Monday, July 8, 2013

The Uncomfortable One.

It's been a while since I've really gotten personal on here.  Life, you know, sometimes it pulls you away from things.

So since I've last written I have been able to quit my job and be a stay at home mom.  It's been about two weeks, and it still feels like maybe I'm just on vacation or something, but I know that it will sink in soon.  Of course I have to give credit to my extremely hard working husband, because the man has worked himself raw to get us here.  He is a great man, and I certainly know I am blessed.

The thing is- I'm still discontent.  My heart is in rebellion against me, and it really sucks.  I should be happy.  I mean, I got what I wanted.  I have a great husband, a sweet and hilarious daughter, and now I get to stay home with her.  We have more than we need, most of what we want, and yet here I am, disgruntled and a little depressed.  Which I know sounds ungrateful.  Of course that makes me feel badly too.

I think I've gotten to this point where all the things I use as a crutch to make myself "happy" without putting in the time and the work that it takes to have a real and meaningful relationship with The Lord are finally losing their luster.  Not that any of those things are bad in and of themselves, but my heart is a charred piece of coal without Jesus, sucking energy from my husband, my daughter, my friends, all in an effort to make my life feel meaningful.  Then when I have sucked all there is to pull out of these things, I just feel dejected.

My husband and I experienced a significant amount of spiritual abuse at our old church, and even though it's been years and I like to tell myself that we're over it, in reality we aren't.  When you trust and love someone and they talk about you behind your back, spreading rumors and breaking down your longstanding relationship with their own insecurities... it hurts.  So we pushed away from God, because really, how the heck could He let this happen?  I mean really, these were our spiritual leaders, family, and friends.  This was the church.

This was not the way it was supposed to be.

So in the very beginning of our marriage, from the very first day when we should have been learning about each other, how to relate to one another, how to work out our issues, we were dealing with this horse poop.  I often feel like we were robbed of our first year or two of marriage.  We can't get that time back, and the damage has been done.  It's not that it can't be fixed, I'm just mad that there is anything to fix in the first place.  It's crappy.  It really is.

The thing is, how can you really work on a relationship if you don't work on yourself first?  And how can you expect your spouse to work on themselves when you don't take the time to work on yourself?  It's a big messy merry-go-round, and I want off the ride.  I want to have a heart that doesn't let the little things throw me off course, because really- my kid is going to throw tantrums, and my husband is going to piss me off.  But those should be little things, and they shouldn't end my day, you know?

 So this is me, saying publicly what I need to say, and if you're reading this, you know I'm talking to you.

You should feel ashamed of yourself.  We loved you and your family and trusted you, and you manipulated us, abused us spiritually, then set yourself up as the martyr when we finally said enough is enough.  The constant drama, guilt trips, and accusations took our focus away from what was most important, and I know you saw it.  Instead of leading us to the Lord, you led us to gossip and complain, because bitter hearts love company.  I can't blame you for the state of my heart of course, and I don't, but I hope you know that when you are leading young people spiritually, you have a responsibility.  You can't take that lightly because the Lord doesn't take it lightly.  You hurt us, and it was wrong.

That being said, I forgive you.  And I hope you can take a look at your own heart and take steps to get it right with the Lord too.  Because life is too short to live it in bitterness and unforgiveness.

SO.  Here we go.  I'm tired of being unhappy.  And I'm tired of letting my happiness rest on other peoples' shoulders.  It's really not fair to either of us.  I'm so blessed... I don't want to take any of it for granted.