I'm Putting This Food Baby Up For Adoption

Confession-  Last week my three year old niece asked if there was a baby in my tummy.  *hits head against a wall* I said "No, but Eisley was in there just a few months ago, and it takes a while for your tummy to go back to normal."  And then I told myself it was time to join a gym.

Ok, so I've struggled with my weight for pretty much as long as I can remember.  Not that I was fat though.  That happened within the last six or seven years.  I am a terrible stress/emotional eater.  Just ask my husband.  When E won't stop crying and I feel like I just can't take anymore, I shoot him a text that says "If you don't bring home a butterfinger blizzard for me when you get off work, I am going to kill myself."  No kidding, I really did text that this week.

I'm not overly dramatic or anything.

Seriously though, we had some really stressful situations in the first few years of our marriage, and actually for a couple of years even before that, and I think that I gained like 10 pounds a year for a few years there.  My husband just commented on an older photo of me on facebook last week, and it wasn't even that old, and all I could think about was 'Good God, I've gotten fat!'  Now, don't misread this post and think that this is me looking for a pity party, or some shallow attempt to garner compliments.  Ok, so what girl doesn't like compliments, but I swear that isn't it.

I've just been thinking about the kinds of things I want to teach my daughter.  The kind of things I want her to learn from me.  The lessons you teach them without even knowing it.  I'm talking about the things that they pick up by watching you, mimicking you, soaking in every word and action and deed that you do (and all the ones you wish you didn't.)

I don't want to teach my daughter to be a lazy, emotional-eating, never-exercising human being.  I don't want her to struggle with her body image, her weight, and I don't want her to have health issues.  I want her to grow up loving herself, her body, and I want her to make sure that her health is a priority.

But here's the kicker.  If I want E to grow up with all those good lessons imprinted on her little-girl heart, I'm going to have to change first.  *Cue dramatic music*

I'm not good at changing.  It usually involves a significant amount of kicking and screaming on my part.  Yup.  My daughter isn't the only pro at throwing tantrums around here.  She learned from the best.

I lost 30 pounds in four months before I got pregnant.  I know I can do it, even though it really isn't easy.  E was my motivation then just like she is now.  The thing is, and I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just calling it like it is, it was a lot easier to lose weight without a needy four month old in tow.  So this is going to require a radical life change.  No more sugar bingeing when I'm feeling stressed, no more crazy high-calorie snacks just because they are easy to grab.  I need to clean out the fridge and the pantry and just go for it.  No more refined sugars, waaaay less carbs.  Oh Lord, those are the things I love the most.

oi.

Have any of you ever tried the Paleo Diet?  That's what I'm thinking about trying.  You cut out almost all grains, refined sugars, and processed foods.  I guess it's basically that you "eat like a caveman."  Hence the name, Paleo Diet.  As in Paleolithic.  I'm interested.  I need to do a ton more research, but it seems like a good thing to try, I mean my body certainly doesn't need all of those refined sugars that I put in it.  So I may start posting some research and experiences on here.  I don't know how well I'll make the transition, or even if I'll really be able to do it completely, but it's worth a try.  I want to make a positive change for me,  but also for my daughter.  She doesn't deserve to deal with my issues because I couldn't.

Positive thoughts, because this is going to be a hard road.  Worth it, but hard.  Here we go!

A Tale of Two Mommies

the most demanding boss I've ever had!  ;)

Ugh.  I am having a bi-polar day.  I know a bunch of you are going to know what I'm talking about here.

I've always wanted to be able to be a stay at home mom.  I know there's something else out there that I am going to be super passionate about doing, but I just haven't found it yet.  I've tried a few things, and nothing has stuck.  Until E was born.  So needless to say, my crazy-hours retail job is not exactly a "career" that would make me want to miss the milestones in my daughter's life.  I mean, I deal with a fussy four month old all day at home.  I'll take that over a fussy customer any day.

Well almost any day.

Some days I just want to scream right along with my little tot.  Because some days, between the teething, fussing, nap-rebellions, and pulled hair (mine, not hers.  She's figured out she can grab it.  Oh happy day!), I just need a break.  It's days like that today that going to work starts to sound pretty darn good.  At least at work no one is going to spit up or poop on me.  Well, it hasn't happened yet, anyway.  I suppose there's always tomorrow.

The thing is, that while I'm at work, all I can think about is wanting to be at home.  I hate leaving my daughter, even for a short four hour shift.  It's awful.  I feel guilty, and sad that I'm missing what could potentially be that four hour span of time in which my daughter rolls all the way over for the first time.  It's one of those darned if you do darned if you don't type situations.

I know how whiny I sound right now, but it is what it is.  I really do wish that I could be a stay at home mom.  It's the only job I am passionate about right now.  It's incredibly difficult, and sometimes I want to throw a tantrum right along with E, but ultimately it's what I want to do.  The pay is better than anything I've come across.  I get paid in smiles, giggles, sqeals, and coos.  It's worth all of the frustration.

Sometimes I just wish there was such a thing as a mommy lunch break.

Happy 4th of July!

Happy Fourth of July from E, Me, and the hubby!  

Living With a Sense of Wonder

Ever since having Eisley, I just love love LOVE holidays.  I enjoyed them when I was single, and then a little more once Nick and I got married, but there is just something about holidays with a baby.  Suddenly they are magical again, you know what I'm talking about I'm sure.  It's the way you felt when you were a little kid.  Christmas, Easter, the Fourth... they were days that you did something out of the ordinary, celebrated, and created traditions with your family that would last for the rest of your life.

So she may be a little young to do fireworks this year (and that's ok because with the drought we're having, I'm pretty sure everywhere around here is under a burn ban, which means no fireworks.  Bummer!) but we've had fun dipping her toes in her very own little baby pool, cooking out, and spending time with her aunts, uncle, and grandparents.  Just knowing that this is her first Easter and first Fourth of July and so on just makes it so precious.

I just love how this little girl is bringing magic back into our lives.  It's too easy as an adult to take things for granted and feel like every day is just another tick mark on the calendar.  It makes me want to be really purposeful about making her "firsts" super special.  I need to sit down with Nick and figure out what family traditions we want to start for our daughter and our future kids.  I want everything to hold a sense of wonder for our littles, because wonder is one of the most important parts of childhood.

I remember when I was a kid, my parents did such a great job at making holidays special.  We'd come home from church on Easter sunday, and there would be five of the most beautifully done Easter baskets that you'd ever see.  Somehow my mom would quickly set it all up as my dad corralled us all into the van before we would head out to church.  When we would get home I just remember being so excited that the Easter bunny had left us such great stuff.  Every Christmas they got us an ornament that had to do with something we'd done or loved that year, and we would open them up on Christmas Eve and put them on the tree.  When I moved out I had a box full of memories to put up on my own tree.

I'm just really enjoying the fresh eyes that having a baby has given me.  Now don't get me wrong, those fresh eyes also open you up to a world of scary stuff that you have to protect your little ones from- but it's the magic and wonder and beauty that you need to focus on.  We have such an amazing opportunity as moms to shape the world into something better.  We can start by creating a world full of beauty, wonder and traditions for our babies.  We all face the harsh realities of life eventually, but let's try to make sure that we hold that off as long as possible for our kids.

A Letter to My Daughter

A letter to my pretty princess, who I love so much more than I even thought was possible.

Right now, you are an adorable four months old little baby.  You laugh and smile and light up my heart.  You had a couple of weeks there where you weren't sleeping (it was brutal, but you are worth every sleepless night) but now you seem to be back on track.  Looking at you napping in the swing is making me think.  About how precious you are, how sweet, and silly, and full of personality, and how innocent you are right now.  And it's got me thinking about what I hope for you as you grow, first into a sweet little toddler, a child, tween, and teenager.  It's a sobering thing to think about, because it is such an awesome responsibility.  And I do mean awesome as in awe-inspiring.  As in, God  has entrusted your little heart to your daddy and I, and I can't think of anything more wonderful and scary.

You are such a unique little girl.  You already know what you like and what you don't, and you know how to tell us.  You are so full of personality that it floors me.  Your smiles take up your whole face, and they can instantly banish my tired and crabby moods.  Oh, and crabby.  You can be pretty crabby.  But it's still so cute that it's hard not to laugh sometimes.  You are so interested in everything that goes on around you right now, to the point that I'd worry you aren't getting enough to eat if you weren't 15 pounds and a chunky little monkey.  You have to see everything.  I can't believe how much you are growing and changing every week.  How different you look compared to photos from just two months ago.  I think you are ready to roll over, but you haven't yet because it would require you to ignore what is happening around you long enough to do it.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you sat up on your own around the same time that you first really roll over all the way onto your tummy.

You are the love of our lives.  Your daddy and I just can't get enough of you.  And we will try our best to always do right by you.  I promise that we will do our best to make sure you feel loved every minute of every day.  That you never, EVER doubt that your parents love you unconditionally.  We will help you become a confident little girl who knows that her parents support her in everything, and that you can do anything that you set your mind to.  I promise that we will protect you and teach you what is right.  To love God, to hear His voice.  I promise that no matter what comes our way, you will always be our little girl, and we will nurture you.  We will nurture your creativity, intelligence, curiosity, love, joy, and hope.  I want you to grow up to be a young woman who isn't swayed by the mindless fads and unhealthy trends of your age.  I want you to know who you are and stand firm in it.

I want you to know that I am not perfect.  Far from it.  And sometimes I am going to screw up, maybe big time.  I may hurt your little heart with careless words or inattentiveness on occasions.  And for those future offenses, I want to apologize in advance and tell you that being a mom is hard, and that is probably what I will be struggling with when I screw up.  It won't be you.  It won't be your fault.  Sweet girl, you are so loved, and even when you mess up or are super naughty (you are your father's daughter, after all!) we will try to be patient and keep our cool.

My cute little chunky monkey, I want you to grow up and know that you are beautiful, smart, hilarious, full of light and goodness, and capable of so much greatness.  But for now my wish for you is that you be healthy, curious, innocent for as long as possible, unaware of the cares of this world, and I want you to be able to be a kid.  Just a sweet silly kid.  I want you to look back at your childhood and see how loved you are every step of the way, feel supported, and have as few regrets as possible.  I want you to be happy.  I want what every mother wants for her baby.

I love you so much.  You are such a beautiful blessing, and I thank God for you every day.  I see His goodness in you, and I am blown away.  You are so precious.  I hope you know that, even now, at four months old.

xo,

your loving mommy

The Things I've Learned - 4 Month Edition

I can't believe my little girl is four months old already!  Time is just going so fast.  I remember being a kid in grade school and feeling like the summer would never come.  Now as an adult, I wonder where the summer's gone more often than not!

Well, without further ado, here are some things that I've learned this month.

1.  You know how people will say to you "Meh.  Sleep is overrated."?  I want to know what those people are smoking.  Until I got pregnant, I totally underrated sleep.

2.  You always want what you can't have.  ie sleep, a nice hot bath, the chance to go to the bathroom without a baby screaming that she needs you the second you sit down on the toilet.

3.  At 4 months, babies can be hilarious!  They discover their feet, how to chew on them, how to make fart-type noises with their mouths, and start to laugh and giggle more often.  You will probably just watch your baby in amazement, and crack up at how proud they are that they can blow raspberries now.

4.  That 4 month sleep regression that everyone talks about?  Ugh.  It's so real, and so sucky.  Goodbye sleep.  It was nice to know you.

5.  When you go back to work (if you go back to work) as a breastfeeding mother who intends to pump... get ready for some ignorant comments.  And get ready to defend your rights.  Sadly, these comments and potential attacks will probably come from your childless female managers, not the males.  Go figure.  Stick up for yourself and your baby.  They just don't get it.

6.  If you find yourself in the market for a new vehicle, you will probably find yourself leaning towards a mini-van.  You will feel old, and slightly nerdy, but then you will think about all the space you'll have to bring home furniture, and you won't hit your head on the ceiling of your car as often when you get the baby seat out of the car, and... ok.  You'll resign yourself to the fact that a mini-van is almost inevitably in your future.

7.  Mini-vans are freaking expensive!  Good Lord.  Someone want to buy me a winning lottery ticket?

8.  Sleep deprivation can often equal depression.  If you're like me, that also equals going broke because you will participate in what so many women before us have done to cure the blues.  Retail therapy.  Although, if you have a spirited, unpredictable baby like me, you will now get your "therapy" in online.

9.  Your house probably looks messy way more often than you'd like it to, but you still have a little baby and who has time to clean constantly?  So what if your house looks like a tornado ripped through it?  You will never have a better excuse than this.  Take advantage of it!

10.  Sleep when you can.  You know you'll regret doing other things (like writing a blog) while the baby sleeps as soon as they wake up and you are still exhausted.  Your baby is four months old now!  You'd think you would have figured this one out by now...