The Battle for Family

Ok.  I've been silent for a while.  There's just been so much going on that this has had to take a back seat.  That's life, I suppose, right?  But I've got my knickers all up in a bunch, and I just have to let this out.

Our culture is messed up.  MESSED UP.  We have got our priorities so out of whack that it seems impossible that we can find our way back again.

So here's where I'm coming from.  I work for a big, huge, giant corporation.  They shall remain nameless.  If you know who I work for, please don't leave a comment with my company's name.  It could be bad for me.  Ok.  So the deal is that I went down to part time after Eisley was born.  There were lots of reasons for this.  I'd love to be able to be a stay at home mom.  That's where my heart is.  But like most families these days, this just isn't a possibility for us.  We need my income to survive.  That being said, I don't make enough to justify working full time and paying for day care.  It would eat up more than half of my income, take me away from my baby for much longer periods of time than I would like, and just not really make a whole lot of sense for our family.  Before going on my maternity leave I sat down with my managers and we agreed on a 4-day a week schedule.  It was great.  But I didn't get it in writing.

Everything was fine for a while.  The supervisor who was writing the schedules for the first three months that I was back is awesome, has kids of her own, and really cares about making sure people are able to work the shifts they need.  She was still always able to make sure there was good coverage.  Unfortunately we got a new assistant manager in my department about 2 months ago, and they had him start to write the schedule.  I know it's a lot to deal with, there are a lot of people's availabilities that you have to take into consideration.  But my issue became that they seemed to have decided that it didn't matter what people's availabilities were anymore.  They were just going to write the schedule however they wanted.  Every week became a battle to make sure that I wasn't scheduled at a time when I would have no child-care.  We don't have much family in town, and the family we do have isn't able to watch Eisley anymore, so our options are limited to friends from church for the most part.  It's really not do-able for me to have a schedule that is all over the place like I've had for the last 7 childless years at this company.

So now I've been told that "Childcare is not an availability issue" and that basically I'm just going to have to suck it up and find a daycare.  They want to schedule me whenever they darn well please.  They'll accommodate school schedules, other jobs that you had before you started at this company, and religious beliefs, but not a baby.

SERIOUSLY?

I can't even tell you how messed up I think that is.  I mean, really... my daughter is 8 months old.  She needs stability, and so do I.  I get it.  I work retail, and they need to run their business.  That's what they keep telling me.  Yup.  I know.  And I need to take care of my family.  You can hire more employees.  My daughter only has one mom.

Honestly, I feel like they are anti-family masquerading around as a company that is pro-family.  Maybe it's just the store I am currently at.  I don't know.  All I know is that it seems like this is just an opportunity for me to surrender my circumstances to the Lord and let Him move me where he wants me to be.  Because I'm thinking this job isn't it anymore.

The bummer (and real source of my anxiety) is that I get paid quite a lot where I work now, and our benefits are through me.  They are super affordable.  Finding a job that pays the same, and has similar perks will be impossible.  I'm sure we'll have to cut out the little luxuries that I've just come to accept as necessities (they're not).  Here's the crux of the matter, though.  I get one chance to be around as much as possible while Eisley is growing up.  ONE CHANCE.  There are no do-overs, no instant replays, no second chances.  So maybe we'll have to cancel Netflix, go down to one car, and sit in Starbucks drinking a short coffee when we need to get on the internet.  It will be inconvenient and sometimes frustrating I'm sure, but my daughter will grow up knowing that SHE is the priority in our lives, not convenience.  She will grow up feeling loved and protected, and she will know stability.

These are the things that I keep thinking about.  I don't know what God is trying to do in my life outside of asking me to put my faith and trust in him in a way that I really haven't had to do in quite some time.  It's hard, and painful, and it's certainly not coming easily to me right now.  I know that He has always worked things for good for us, and He has always provided for us what we need.  I know He always will.  I just need to have a little more faith in Him right now.

So I guess the hunt is on for a new job.  I want to use this as an opportunity to find something really rewarding, and something that is a step closer to the direction that I think my calling will one day take me.  Nick and I will sit down and look at our budget and see where we can cut a couple hundred dollars out here and there, and I'll look into ways to make some extra cash.

In the midst of all of this, however, I can't help but feel that this is just one tiny example of what is happening to our culture.  This slow but steady shift away from "family values" or even just "valuing family."  It's all work and play, and family suffers in it all.  I know there are pockets of people out there that are living proof that family can still come first, and I am lucky to live in a church community where that is a reality for so many... but the state of things at large is depressing.  I'm not sure when America's values shifted from "working to live" to "live to work," but the disconnect that it has caused is massive. The lack of empathy and humanity that has followed closely behind it does not bode well for us all, and it is especially worrisome for women and family.  When we place a higher value on the needs of those in college over the needs of those trying to provide for their children, while still being around enough to raise them... we have hit a dangerous shift in what we value and esteem.

I believe that family is vitally important.  Having parents that are not only around, but able to spend time together as a family unit regularly is so important to raising children that are well-adjusted, confident, and one day ready to run this country.  So I think it is time that we stand up and fight for what is important.

This is my battle right now.  I'm just praying I fight it the right way.  One thing I know is why I'm fighting it.

my little inspiration

I'm Putting This Food Baby Up For Adoption

Confession-  Last week my three year old niece asked if there was a baby in my tummy.  *hits head against a wall* I said "No, but Eisley was in there just a few months ago, and it takes a while for your tummy to go back to normal."  And then I told myself it was time to join a gym.

Ok, so I've struggled with my weight for pretty much as long as I can remember.  Not that I was fat though.  That happened within the last six or seven years.  I am a terrible stress/emotional eater.  Just ask my husband.  When E won't stop crying and I feel like I just can't take anymore, I shoot him a text that says "If you don't bring home a butterfinger blizzard for me when you get off work, I am going to kill myself."  No kidding, I really did text that this week.

I'm not overly dramatic or anything.

Seriously though, we had some really stressful situations in the first few years of our marriage, and actually for a couple of years even before that, and I think that I gained like 10 pounds a year for a few years there.  My husband just commented on an older photo of me on facebook last week, and it wasn't even that old, and all I could think about was 'Good God, I've gotten fat!'  Now, don't misread this post and think that this is me looking for a pity party, or some shallow attempt to garner compliments.  Ok, so what girl doesn't like compliments, but I swear that isn't it.

I've just been thinking about the kinds of things I want to teach my daughter.  The kind of things I want her to learn from me.  The lessons you teach them without even knowing it.  I'm talking about the things that they pick up by watching you, mimicking you, soaking in every word and action and deed that you do (and all the ones you wish you didn't.)

I don't want to teach my daughter to be a lazy, emotional-eating, never-exercising human being.  I don't want her to struggle with her body image, her weight, and I don't want her to have health issues.  I want her to grow up loving herself, her body, and I want her to make sure that her health is a priority.

But here's the kicker.  If I want E to grow up with all those good lessons imprinted on her little-girl heart, I'm going to have to change first.  *Cue dramatic music*

I'm not good at changing.  It usually involves a significant amount of kicking and screaming on my part.  Yup.  My daughter isn't the only pro at throwing tantrums around here.  She learned from the best.

I lost 30 pounds in four months before I got pregnant.  I know I can do it, even though it really isn't easy.  E was my motivation then just like she is now.  The thing is, and I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just calling it like it is, it was a lot easier to lose weight without a needy four month old in tow.  So this is going to require a radical life change.  No more sugar bingeing when I'm feeling stressed, no more crazy high-calorie snacks just because they are easy to grab.  I need to clean out the fridge and the pantry and just go for it.  No more refined sugars, waaaay less carbs.  Oh Lord, those are the things I love the most.

oi.

Have any of you ever tried the Paleo Diet?  That's what I'm thinking about trying.  You cut out almost all grains, refined sugars, and processed foods.  I guess it's basically that you "eat like a caveman."  Hence the name, Paleo Diet.  As in Paleolithic.  I'm interested.  I need to do a ton more research, but it seems like a good thing to try, I mean my body certainly doesn't need all of those refined sugars that I put in it.  So I may start posting some research and experiences on here.  I don't know how well I'll make the transition, or even if I'll really be able to do it completely, but it's worth a try.  I want to make a positive change for me,  but also for my daughter.  She doesn't deserve to deal with my issues because I couldn't.

Positive thoughts, because this is going to be a hard road.  Worth it, but hard.  Here we go!

A Tale of Two Mommies

the most demanding boss I've ever had!  ;)

Ugh.  I am having a bi-polar day.  I know a bunch of you are going to know what I'm talking about here.

I've always wanted to be able to be a stay at home mom.  I know there's something else out there that I am going to be super passionate about doing, but I just haven't found it yet.  I've tried a few things, and nothing has stuck.  Until E was born.  So needless to say, my crazy-hours retail job is not exactly a "career" that would make me want to miss the milestones in my daughter's life.  I mean, I deal with a fussy four month old all day at home.  I'll take that over a fussy customer any day.

Well almost any day.

Some days I just want to scream right along with my little tot.  Because some days, between the teething, fussing, nap-rebellions, and pulled hair (mine, not hers.  She's figured out she can grab it.  Oh happy day!), I just need a break.  It's days like that today that going to work starts to sound pretty darn good.  At least at work no one is going to spit up or poop on me.  Well, it hasn't happened yet, anyway.  I suppose there's always tomorrow.

The thing is, that while I'm at work, all I can think about is wanting to be at home.  I hate leaving my daughter, even for a short four hour shift.  It's awful.  I feel guilty, and sad that I'm missing what could potentially be that four hour span of time in which my daughter rolls all the way over for the first time.  It's one of those darned if you do darned if you don't type situations.

I know how whiny I sound right now, but it is what it is.  I really do wish that I could be a stay at home mom.  It's the only job I am passionate about right now.  It's incredibly difficult, and sometimes I want to throw a tantrum right along with E, but ultimately it's what I want to do.  The pay is better than anything I've come across.  I get paid in smiles, giggles, sqeals, and coos.  It's worth all of the frustration.

Sometimes I just wish there was such a thing as a mommy lunch break.

Living With a Sense of Wonder

Ever since having Eisley, I just love love LOVE holidays.  I enjoyed them when I was single, and then a little more once Nick and I got married, but there is just something about holidays with a baby.  Suddenly they are magical again, you know what I'm talking about I'm sure.  It's the way you felt when you were a little kid.  Christmas, Easter, the Fourth... they were days that you did something out of the ordinary, celebrated, and created traditions with your family that would last for the rest of your life.

So she may be a little young to do fireworks this year (and that's ok because with the drought we're having, I'm pretty sure everywhere around here is under a burn ban, which means no fireworks.  Bummer!) but we've had fun dipping her toes in her very own little baby pool, cooking out, and spending time with her aunts, uncle, and grandparents.  Just knowing that this is her first Easter and first Fourth of July and so on just makes it so precious.

I just love how this little girl is bringing magic back into our lives.  It's too easy as an adult to take things for granted and feel like every day is just another tick mark on the calendar.  It makes me want to be really purposeful about making her "firsts" super special.  I need to sit down with Nick and figure out what family traditions we want to start for our daughter and our future kids.  I want everything to hold a sense of wonder for our littles, because wonder is one of the most important parts of childhood.

I remember when I was a kid, my parents did such a great job at making holidays special.  We'd come home from church on Easter sunday, and there would be five of the most beautifully done Easter baskets that you'd ever see.  Somehow my mom would quickly set it all up as my dad corralled us all into the van before we would head out to church.  When we would get home I just remember being so excited that the Easter bunny had left us such great stuff.  Every Christmas they got us an ornament that had to do with something we'd done or loved that year, and we would open them up on Christmas Eve and put them on the tree.  When I moved out I had a box full of memories to put up on my own tree.

I'm just really enjoying the fresh eyes that having a baby has given me.  Now don't get me wrong, those fresh eyes also open you up to a world of scary stuff that you have to protect your little ones from- but it's the magic and wonder and beauty that you need to focus on.  We have such an amazing opportunity as moms to shape the world into something better.  We can start by creating a world full of beauty, wonder and traditions for our babies.  We all face the harsh realities of life eventually, but let's try to make sure that we hold that off as long as possible for our kids.

A Letter to My Daughter

A letter to my pretty princess, who I love so much more than I even thought was possible.

Right now, you are an adorable four months old little baby.  You laugh and smile and light up my heart.  You had a couple of weeks there where you weren't sleeping (it was brutal, but you are worth every sleepless night) but now you seem to be back on track.  Looking at you napping in the swing is making me think.  About how precious you are, how sweet, and silly, and full of personality, and how innocent you are right now.  And it's got me thinking about what I hope for you as you grow, first into a sweet little toddler, a child, tween, and teenager.  It's a sobering thing to think about, because it is such an awesome responsibility.  And I do mean awesome as in awe-inspiring.  As in, God  has entrusted your little heart to your daddy and I, and I can't think of anything more wonderful and scary.

You are such a unique little girl.  You already know what you like and what you don't, and you know how to tell us.  You are so full of personality that it floors me.  Your smiles take up your whole face, and they can instantly banish my tired and crabby moods.  Oh, and crabby.  You can be pretty crabby.  But it's still so cute that it's hard not to laugh sometimes.  You are so interested in everything that goes on around you right now, to the point that I'd worry you aren't getting enough to eat if you weren't 15 pounds and a chunky little monkey.  You have to see everything.  I can't believe how much you are growing and changing every week.  How different you look compared to photos from just two months ago.  I think you are ready to roll over, but you haven't yet because it would require you to ignore what is happening around you long enough to do it.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you sat up on your own around the same time that you first really roll over all the way onto your tummy.

You are the love of our lives.  Your daddy and I just can't get enough of you.  And we will try our best to always do right by you.  I promise that we will do our best to make sure you feel loved every minute of every day.  That you never, EVER doubt that your parents love you unconditionally.  We will help you become a confident little girl who knows that her parents support her in everything, and that you can do anything that you set your mind to.  I promise that we will protect you and teach you what is right.  To love God, to hear His voice.  I promise that no matter what comes our way, you will always be our little girl, and we will nurture you.  We will nurture your creativity, intelligence, curiosity, love, joy, and hope.  I want you to grow up to be a young woman who isn't swayed by the mindless fads and unhealthy trends of your age.  I want you to know who you are and stand firm in it.

I want you to know that I am not perfect.  Far from it.  And sometimes I am going to screw up, maybe big time.  I may hurt your little heart with careless words or inattentiveness on occasions.  And for those future offenses, I want to apologize in advance and tell you that being a mom is hard, and that is probably what I will be struggling with when I screw up.  It won't be you.  It won't be your fault.  Sweet girl, you are so loved, and even when you mess up or are super naughty (you are your father's daughter, after all!) we will try to be patient and keep our cool.

My cute little chunky monkey, I want you to grow up and know that you are beautiful, smart, hilarious, full of light and goodness, and capable of so much greatness.  But for now my wish for you is that you be healthy, curious, innocent for as long as possible, unaware of the cares of this world, and I want you to be able to be a kid.  Just a sweet silly kid.  I want you to look back at your childhood and see how loved you are every step of the way, feel supported, and have as few regrets as possible.  I want you to be happy.  I want what every mother wants for her baby.

I love you so much.  You are such a beautiful blessing, and I thank God for you every day.  I see His goodness in you, and I am blown away.  You are so precious.  I hope you know that, even now, at four months old.

xo,

your loving mommy