Be Gentle on Moms. We're New Here.

I have been a stay stay at home mom for about two and a half months now (HUGE answer to prayer.  Thank God for a husband that works hard so that I can stay home.)  This was what I wanted from the moment I found out that I was pregnant.  It has always been my heart's desire to be home with my babies when we had them.  So I was obviously ridiculously happy and excited.

It's been the hardest two and a half months, well,  pretty much ever.

Honestly, I feel guilty just admitting that.  But let me break it down, because for the uninitiated I know that statement sounds really selfish.  And I suppose that maybe it is, but just a little.  Even my husband doesn't understand what I mean when I say that it's the hardest thing I've ever done.  I suppose complaining about being tired and overwhelmed isn't helpful, but in the moment I always find it difficult to put a cohesive statement together about why, exactly, it is that what I have always said I wanted is also something that drives me to tears.

So here we go.  Let me try to explain.

A mom is no one and everyone-  A mom is no one.  She is no longer the artist, the singer, the corporate lawyer.  She is not the hardest working woman in her office, or the most successful and celebrated anything to anyone anymore.  Whatever it was that a stay at home mom used to find her identity in, however she defined herself (outside of the Lord obviously) is gone.  Which is ok at first.  Imperceptible even.  The honeymoon phase of baby snuggles and the idea of "open days" only lasts so long.  Eventually in it's place the stay at home mom will probably find some grief.  To the outsider this part may not make a whole lot of sense, and I totally get that, because I didn't understand until I experienced it either, but stay with me here.  The mom often grieves or mourns over what feels like the loss or death of her self.

It's the little things, and they aren't always tangible or quantifiable, but it feels so easy to fade away into this mommy-haze.  Instead of thinking largely of her own and her husbands needs pre-baby, a mom might find an hour in a day to address her needs.  The most basic ones, usually.  It's a pretty intense death to self to go from girls-nights and coffee dates to simply feeling like you've gotten a break by showering alone, with no small child screaming on the other side of the curtain.

Some days you find yourself feeling like "woman" you no longer exists.  You are now "mom."  You change diapers, feed everyone, except yourself often, clean, do laundry, entertain, and occasionally you put on some makeup, and meet at the park with some other friends.  Mostly so you can all run after your children communally,  good luck holding an adult conversation.  You are no one, but you are also everyone.  You are a doctor, a sleep specialist, a food supply, a cook, a maid, a play-ground-referee, a chauffeur, a nutritionist, a comforter, a counselor, a disciplinarian, and anything else your child and spouse need on a daily basis.  You are everything to everyone, and sometimes that is an overwhelming reality.

A mom deals with incredible guilt all the time- This one isn't exclusive to stay at home moms.  I felt a ridiculous amount of guilt while I was working too.  The reality doesn't change, just the source of the guilt.  When you're working, the guilt lies in not being there for your child.  Not tucking them in at night, not kissing their knees when they scrape them at the park.  The guilt of waving goodbye to your distraught child as your drop them off at daycare, your friends house, your parents house, wherever.  You feel guilty for missing things.

When you are a stay at home mom, the guilt stays, but the source of it changes.  You feel guilty that your husband feels more pressure to provide.  You feel guilty that the house isn't clean, and the dishes aren't done.  You feel guilty that some days, you want to be anywhere but home, and you feel guilty that you find you sometimes want to run from the house and just be alone.  You feel guilty for feeling any kind of desire to take care of your own basic needs and mental and emotional health.  You feel guilty because you (unnecessarily) believe that you should be able to turn off your own needs so that you can devote yourself to the needs of your family, but quickly find that to be an impossible task.

A mom is isolated-  I'm starting to see why large family units used to live together, or at least really close to each other.  Being a stay at home mom can be lonely.  Obviously I love love LOVE my daughter, and I am incredibly blessed, but sometimes you can go an entire day without any adult conversation, interaction, or company.  It can make you feel a little crazy.

We live in a society that doesn't value child-rearing-  We live in a society that places a higher value on careers, money, and possessions than on having and raising babies.  People don't understand why you would want to leave your job, making less money on a whole because of it so that you aren't able to buy as many things or go on as many trips, and they're not afraid to tell you and look at you like you're nuts.  Have more than 2 or 3 kids?  I bet you've heard someone "jokingly" ask you if you've ever heard of birth control.  That or they say "You know how you got this way, right?" when they find out you're pregnant again.  How disheartening.

Moms are judged.  All the time-  Moms are judged, by just about everyone.  Your kid throws a fit in the grocery store, you get head shakes and mean stares.  Your baby cries in church, you feel the silent pressure to leave the room.  Your baby is hungry while you're out and about, running errands that need to be run, or, God forbid, you are just OUT for the sake of going out so you sit down to nurse your baby and the dirty looks assail you constantly.

You're doing the best you can as a mom, and everywhere you look, someone is judging you.  Possibly the worst of it is when you feel like you are being judged by other moms, your family, or even your spouse.  It's easy to feel discouraged when nothing you do is good enough.  When your accomplishments and work is so intangible that it is so easily and often overlooked, while your "faults" (or maybe just those chores or errands you didn't get done in the day) are so glaringly obvious.

But here's the thing.

Here's the really important thing.

This is what I try to tell myself when I feel like no one notices how much of myself I pour out daily-  being a mom is hard, really really hard, because being a mom is being archetype of Christ to your family.

Every day I am dying to myself for the good of my family.  It hurts.  It really does.  But it's stretching me, changing me, making my heart capable of deeper love, deeper emotion, deeper strength.  I'm certainly not always graceful in my state of perpetual death-to-self (ok, most of the time I am not graceful in death), but it gives me such a deeper appreciation for the sacrifice of Christ.  That He died in every way for me.  Because I finally understand (though to such a smaller degree) the level of sacrifice laid down on my behalf.

Being a mom is a noble calling.  It is an awesome responsibility.  It is a 24/7 job in which you are never off duty, and that's a big adjustment to make.  I'll argue that being a mom, at least in your baby's early years, requires a level of adjustment that most mere mortals simply cannot understand.  Sometimes that even includes dads.  Of course dads feel the changes.  They have to work harder, it's more pressure, more responsibility.  They can't always chase their dreams the way they'd hoped to as an idealistic 18 year old man.  However, on a daily basis, their routine stays much more the same than a mom's.

Sometimes I'm jealous of my husband's alone time as he drives to and from work.

I'm pretty sure that's a hard thing to understand if you're not staying home 24/7.

I'm pretty guilty of complaining lately.  How tired I am, how overwhelming it can be to stay home, how frustrating my daughter can be.  I know it doesn't make sense to complain, because this is what I have wanted.  But I suppose that what I'm really doing is mourning.  And dealing with my guilt.  And feeling isolated, and judged.  Sometimes I'm flat out feeling under-valued and misunderstood.

It's just really hard to put those things into a short fragmented sentence as I'm correcting my child for the umpteenth time after my husband gets home at night.

So here's one more thing that I'm going to put out there-

What a mom really needs is understanding, patience, and support.

Here's why.  A mom is a new creation, a newborn just as much as her baby.  Everything is new, scary, and unknown.  Thrown into the world without much preparation or support, and with the weight of the world on her tired and sleep deprived shoulders.  A mom is a child struggling to take her first steps, often with no one to hold her hand and steady her as she trips and wobbles.  A mom deserves grace.

I love this quote.  Maybe you've heard it, but it puts it so much more eloquently than I can, and this is how I will leave you.  I hope this post made sense.  I hope it feels hopeful.  I hope that if you're reading this, feeling the same things, that you feel now like you're not alone.  Because you're not.  You're just new.  Like me.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also

 born. She never existed before. The woman

 existed, but the mother, never. A mother is 

something absolutely new. 

~Rajneesh

Attack of the Killer Molars or The Baby Hulk

Oh my.

E has 3 molars coming in at the same time, and the fourth is not far behind.  Um, I hate teething.  It takes my sweet, funny, happy baby and turns her into what I can only describe as Baby Hulk.

Baby Hulk angry.

Baby Hulk smash.

Baby Hulk poop nasty teething-poops.

Baby Hulk growl at getting her teething-induced runny nose wiped.

Baby Hulk wake up way too freaking early and way too freaking crabby.

Seriously.  Can I get my baby back now?  I mean, the kid is growling at me right now as I type this.  She is also hugging her lovey so intensely that I am worried his little stuffed monkey head may pop off.  Oh the humanity!

I keep looking at those teething charts-  you know the ones that tell you which teeth typically come in at what age, and the order they start showing up.  Eisley is just blowing that chart out of the water.  Geez. 13 months old and she is now working on her 11th tooth.  Ok, so she's really doing pretty well all things considered.  I have heard before (and everything you hear is obviously true, so I'm sure this is infallible information) that if we teethed as adults we would be reduced to drooling, blubbering, morphine-sucking balls of misery.

Our babies are tougher than we are.


I really have nothing philosophical to say on the topic of teething.  I just have to say how much teething completely blows.  I want my little sweetums back.  Well, maybe sweetums is not quite the right nickname for my vivacious and spunky little 13 month old, but we'll just pretend that she is a perpetually sweet-tempered little angel who never fusses, arches her back and screams at the top of her (enormous) baby lungs when things don't go her way for the sake of my teething argument here.

Maybe one day scientists will find some magic pressure point or something to help our babies (and our tired nerves) get through teething gracefully and without pain.  Maybe one day our teeth will just magically appear in our gums and be perfectly straight.

Maybe one day I will stop being delusional and tired and stop wishing for the impossible.

But alas, that is what motherhood is full of.

Baby Hulks, bruised knees, baby kisses, and very little sleep.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Baby Hulk SMASH!

Dear Eisley, I promise I won't always catch you when you fall...

Tonight Eisley slipped and hit her chin on the coffee table she was holding on to.  She bit her tongue as she fell, then hit her poor little head on the floor.  It was horrible.  I saw it all happen like it was in slow motion.  Then the screaming and crying, and my baby's mouth was full of blood.  Her sharp little teeth had cut into her tongue.  As I held and rocked my baby and whispered calming words into her ear, I couldn't help but think about all the times that lay ahead of us like this.  All the times that she will fall, both literally and metaphorically, as she grows into the lovely woman I know she will one day be.  She is bound to stumble, to fall, to get hurt as she learns new skills and as she grows and matures.

And it's scarier than I'd like to admit.  

Sometimes my motherly urge goes against what I know will be best for my daughter in the long run.  The urge to catch her every time I see her beginning to slip.  To shield her from all forms of pain and suffering, to hold her close to my breast and whisper constantly in her little ears that everything will be alright.  That I will always be here for her.  That I will always protect her.  That I will never let her fall.  

The thing is, I know that would be detrimental to my beautiful little girl's development both as she learns simple things like how to stand on her own and how to walk, and as she learns complicated things like how to navigate love and a broken heart.  My own heart literally aches as I think about Eisley hurting in those deeper ways someday, but I also know that I cannot shield her from life.  I cannot catch her ever time I see her slip.  I cannot refuse to let her learn that she is, in fact, perfectly able to stand on her own.  Well, not completely on her own.  She can stand strong in Christ.

You see, as counter-intuitive as it seems sometimes, we have to let our children fall, fail, get hurt, and just plain mess up sometimes.  Let the reader understand- I am NOT in any way shape or form saying that we shouldn't protect our children from real danger, and I am certainly NOT advocating negligence here.  I am simply saying that if we refuse to let our children experience pain, disappointment, and failure that we are actually robbing them of something amazing.  Something vital to their success in this life.

We are robbing them of the ability to see that they can pick themselves up, dust themselves off, have a good cry if they need to, but ultimately learn that they can overcome obstacles and pain.  We steal from them the vital skill of learning from their mistakes.  Because if we never let our children make mistakes in the first place, there is no way for them to learn from them.

So Eisley, this is my promise to you.

I promise to protect you from the things that would hurt you deeply as much as I can, but I also promise not to stand behind you like a shadow in your life, like a protective talisman to ward off all ills.  I promise to let you fall sometimes, both literally and figuratively, so that you can learn that you are strong, resillient, and perfectly capable of getting back up and moving forward.  I promise to teach you, to the best of my own broken ability, to put your faith in the strength of your Heavenly Father before your own.  You see, sometimes we just can't pick ourselves back up in our own strength.  You are bound to experience times like that, but the Lord will pick you up if you let Him.

Sweet Eisley, I promise to let you learn unhindered by my constant worrying.  I don't want to be the thing that holds you back in this life.  I want to cheer you on, encourage you, guide you, be there for you... but ultimately I want to instill this one thing in you-  no one can live your life for you, and you cannot live in fear.  So as terrified as I will inevitably be the first time you decide to run full-tilt down the hallway, I will cheer you on and stand to the side.  Even if you stumble over your own inexperienced little feet and fall.  I will try my best to give you a minute before running to save you so that you have the opportunity to brush it off, pick yourself back up, and continue running your race.  As scared as I may be to drop you off for your first day of school- where I can't watch you and help you and teach you throughout the day-  I promise not to hold on to you in a desperate hug if you are ready to walk away into your classroom, confident and excited.

There are so many things that I could promise in this life.  There are so many responsibilities that I carry as your mommy.  It is a terrifying and awe-filled thing to raise you knowing that one day you will walk away from my arms for good, a confident, strong, Godly woman.  There is so much to consider and pray over, but for now this is what is on my heart for you.

Lovely, spirited, hilarious Eisley-  I will do my best to help you without holding you back.  But remember this my love, I am learning too.  I will fall and slip up and screw up more than I would like along the way.  Please try to be patient with me as I try to be the best mom I can be.  It's not an easy thing, being a mom, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

So as painful as it was for me to watch my daughter fall and hurt herself, I need to stop and remember that this is a part of her journey, one of the ways that she will discover who she is and what she is capable of.  Fear is a learned behavior-  Eisley proved that to me when she immediately pulled herself right back up after I finally set her down.  Instead of picking her right back up again so she couldn't fall once more, I just watched my daughter try again, and I quietly cheered her on from the sidelines.

I've dropped off the face of the earth, and other holiday happenings

Man, I pretty much missed the major holidays completely, didn't I?  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years... gone in the blink of my very sleepy eyes.  Oh well, such is the mommy life, right?  

I've admittedly been preoccupied lately.  New business ventures (Mary Kay), plotting how to revive old ones (portrait photography!  yay!), and lots of time enjoying my babe (who will not be a baby much longer, eek!).  I'm going to be better about posting this year.  New Years resolution.  *wink*

So in a nutshell, here's what is going on with me right now.  I'm fat.  No really, I am.  Don't feel like you need to post a comment telling me I am not.  I'm totally not being self-deprecating here, I'm just being honest with myself and all of you.  It is, sadly, a fact.  SO.  What does that mean for me this year?  It means I have a lot of work to do, because the hubs and I would like to start trying for baby number two probably some time this summer.  And I don't want to be ridiculously overweight while I am pregnant.  Not fun.  At all.

So my goals for this year (notice I am calling them goals and not resolutions...  who the heck ever sticks to their resolutions?  Not me!) are to get my eating habits (and sometimes lack of eating) under control, and to exercise way way way more often than I do now.  Which is to say, I am going to start exercising.  Because I stepped on the scale this morning ladies, and while I am not quite honest or confident enough to admit the number, I will say that it is not good.  Not good at all.

I almost peed myself.

SO.  Today begins my new lifestyle.  I'm going to juice fresh fruits and veggies, eat whole and healthy foods, and take Eisley for lots and lots of walks when the weather is not too frigid.  It's probably going to suck completely at first.  Let's be real here.

But I don't want to be a horrible example for my daughter as she starts to become more and more aware of everything I do.  The child watches me like an adorable little hawk, and I see her taking it all in.  I don't want to pass bad habits, poor self image, and most of all poor health on to my daughter.  Not the kind of legacy that I am looking to leave.

I would love to hear your success stories, tips, tricks, and motivational anecdotes (as well as any awesome juicing recipes).  We could all use a little encouragement sometimes, and I am sure I'm not the only one in this boat.  We can do it ladies!

Now wish me luck, because this is going to be a long hard journey, though completely worth the struggle.  Someday, hopefully some day this year, I will step on that scale and not have to fight the involuntary pee-myself reaction.  Someday (soon!) I will be able to shop at whatever store I want for clothes.  Someday (starting today!) I will have more energy to be a good mom and chase my little princess around.  Here we go...

OH!  And should you want to make some of that delicious looking juice for yourself, it's super easy.  Just juice two oranges, two apples, one big carrot, and about a cup and a half of spinach.  Yum!  That was my breakfast this morning, and it was amazing.

Let's Take This Into Our Own Hands

So I told you all about my work drama.  I'm not sure what's going on with it all right now, honestly.  But I am trying not to worry about it, because worrying doesn't really do anyone any good.  What I have decided is that I need to do something where my destiny is in my own hands.  Financially speaking anyway.

So I have signed up to be an independent beauty consultant with Mary Kay.  I'm super excited!  I really love the women that I've started working with.  Talk about positive people!  I love that it's flexible.  I love that I can make as much or as little out of it as I want.  I love that I get a sweet deal on awesome makeup for myself.  I love that my job is going to consist of parties, facials, makeovers, and girl time.

I love that when I opened up my new consultant starter kit, this is what I saw.

Can you tell I'm excited about this?  I'm going to work my butt off to make something out of this business, so that some day down the road, I can be home a lot more with Eisley and my future babies.  I am also excited that my skin is going to look really stinkin fabulous all the time.

So if you want to order some products, find out about hosting a party (if you're in the Kansas City area), or talk to me about starting your own Mary Kay business, head on over to my new website!
I know stuff like this isn't for everyone, but I think it's a great option for a lot of women, especially moms.

Anywhoo, not to say that this is going to solve all of my financial problems or be an overnight success, but I feel really good about it.  Sometimes it's just nice to start something new.  Something to throw my energy into.

Wish me luck!  I am going to do everything I can to make a better life for my daughter and my family.  And I want to spend as much time enjoying my family as possible.

What's So Great About the American Dream?

Due to my current job related anxieties (see my post here if you don't know what I'm talking about) I've been thinking a lot the past few days about paring down our lives.  I look around my house and I see so much stuff that I never use, never need, and never even think about.  And I spent my hard earned money on this junk.  Hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars of our money over the course of our marriage.

Ok, so I'm probably the junk-buying culprit.  I know.  It's something I've been needing to work on.

At any rate, I need to stop spending money on stupid junk we don't need.  But it's the "American Dream," right?  To buy whatever we want that we don't need, whenever we want to.  I've totally bought into this way of thinking, and it's honestly brought nothing but problems.  I have bought stuff when we didn't have the extra money to buy it (I mean this is really going to be an ongoing battle.  I almost did it again this morning), I have bought stuff we didn't need just because I was feeling stressed out or depressed.  How much have I sabotaged our savings account?

Sometimes I think I don't want to know.

But with the very real possibility of a job change/pay cut coming down the pipes, I am re-evaluating.

The sad thing is that I have a really hard time deciding what is a luxury, and what is a necessity after years and years of just buying what I want, when I want it.  I look at our netflix bill and think "it's not even $10 a month, how much of a difference is that going to make?"  But we've been paying for Netflix for about 4 years now.  That's hundreds of dollars.  Netflix is not a necessity.  I mean, that's just one example, but really, I know there is so much more that we can cut out.  After all of these years though, it really is hard to decide what we really can't live without.

I just keep thinking to myself, why the heck have I bought into the lie that being able to buy whatever I want will make me happy?  I think this is the case a lot of time regardless of the cost to our savings account, our ability to pay bills, or stay out of debt.  What is wrong with me?

Now I'm sitting here in a house full of stuff, lots of it without a home or permanent place (re- a permanent mess), and I'm more anxious than I am happy.  Anxious that I have bills to pay, a baby to raise, and a house that is a complete mess.  And for what?  For STUFF?  


Oh man.  I just feel like there is so much that I need to change.  So much that I need to work on and so many priorities that I have got to switch around.  I need to be so much more grateful for what I have than I am, and I want to stop wishing for more and more in the way of material possessions.  I want to be done with the American dream.  I want what is real and intangible.

Smiles from my daughter

A relaxed day with my family

Home-cooked meals and no rushing around

Food in our bellies, a roof over our heads, and a healthy family.

Friends and a community of people around us that we can support, and will support us.

Faith that is real, vibrant, and alive

These are the things that matter, and this is what I want to focus on.

That's just my two cents worth.  =)

This -------> is what is important.

The Battle for Family

Ok.  I've been silent for a while.  There's just been so much going on that this has had to take a back seat.  That's life, I suppose, right?  But I've got my knickers all up in a bunch, and I just have to let this out.

Our culture is messed up.  MESSED UP.  We have got our priorities so out of whack that it seems impossible that we can find our way back again.

So here's where I'm coming from.  I work for a big, huge, giant corporation.  They shall remain nameless.  If you know who I work for, please don't leave a comment with my company's name.  It could be bad for me.  Ok.  So the deal is that I went down to part time after Eisley was born.  There were lots of reasons for this.  I'd love to be able to be a stay at home mom.  That's where my heart is.  But like most families these days, this just isn't a possibility for us.  We need my income to survive.  That being said, I don't make enough to justify working full time and paying for day care.  It would eat up more than half of my income, take me away from my baby for much longer periods of time than I would like, and just not really make a whole lot of sense for our family.  Before going on my maternity leave I sat down with my managers and we agreed on a 4-day a week schedule.  It was great.  But I didn't get it in writing.

Everything was fine for a while.  The supervisor who was writing the schedules for the first three months that I was back is awesome, has kids of her own, and really cares about making sure people are able to work the shifts they need.  She was still always able to make sure there was good coverage.  Unfortunately we got a new assistant manager in my department about 2 months ago, and they had him start to write the schedule.  I know it's a lot to deal with, there are a lot of people's availabilities that you have to take into consideration.  But my issue became that they seemed to have decided that it didn't matter what people's availabilities were anymore.  They were just going to write the schedule however they wanted.  Every week became a battle to make sure that I wasn't scheduled at a time when I would have no child-care.  We don't have much family in town, and the family we do have isn't able to watch Eisley anymore, so our options are limited to friends from church for the most part.  It's really not do-able for me to have a schedule that is all over the place like I've had for the last 7 childless years at this company.

So now I've been told that "Childcare is not an availability issue" and that basically I'm just going to have to suck it up and find a daycare.  They want to schedule me whenever they darn well please.  They'll accommodate school schedules, other jobs that you had before you started at this company, and religious beliefs, but not a baby.

SERIOUSLY?

I can't even tell you how messed up I think that is.  I mean, really... my daughter is 8 months old.  She needs stability, and so do I.  I get it.  I work retail, and they need to run their business.  That's what they keep telling me.  Yup.  I know.  And I need to take care of my family.  You can hire more employees.  My daughter only has one mom.

Honestly, I feel like they are anti-family masquerading around as a company that is pro-family.  Maybe it's just the store I am currently at.  I don't know.  All I know is that it seems like this is just an opportunity for me to surrender my circumstances to the Lord and let Him move me where he wants me to be.  Because I'm thinking this job isn't it anymore.

The bummer (and real source of my anxiety) is that I get paid quite a lot where I work now, and our benefits are through me.  They are super affordable.  Finding a job that pays the same, and has similar perks will be impossible.  I'm sure we'll have to cut out the little luxuries that I've just come to accept as necessities (they're not).  Here's the crux of the matter, though.  I get one chance to be around as much as possible while Eisley is growing up.  ONE CHANCE.  There are no do-overs, no instant replays, no second chances.  So maybe we'll have to cancel Netflix, go down to one car, and sit in Starbucks drinking a short coffee when we need to get on the internet.  It will be inconvenient and sometimes frustrating I'm sure, but my daughter will grow up knowing that SHE is the priority in our lives, not convenience.  She will grow up feeling loved and protected, and she will know stability.

These are the things that I keep thinking about.  I don't know what God is trying to do in my life outside of asking me to put my faith and trust in him in a way that I really haven't had to do in quite some time.  It's hard, and painful, and it's certainly not coming easily to me right now.  I know that He has always worked things for good for us, and He has always provided for us what we need.  I know He always will.  I just need to have a little more faith in Him right now.

So I guess the hunt is on for a new job.  I want to use this as an opportunity to find something really rewarding, and something that is a step closer to the direction that I think my calling will one day take me.  Nick and I will sit down and look at our budget and see where we can cut a couple hundred dollars out here and there, and I'll look into ways to make some extra cash.

In the midst of all of this, however, I can't help but feel that this is just one tiny example of what is happening to our culture.  This slow but steady shift away from "family values" or even just "valuing family."  It's all work and play, and family suffers in it all.  I know there are pockets of people out there that are living proof that family can still come first, and I am lucky to live in a church community where that is a reality for so many... but the state of things at large is depressing.  I'm not sure when America's values shifted from "working to live" to "live to work," but the disconnect that it has caused is massive. The lack of empathy and humanity that has followed closely behind it does not bode well for us all, and it is especially worrisome for women and family.  When we place a higher value on the needs of those in college over the needs of those trying to provide for their children, while still being around enough to raise them... we have hit a dangerous shift in what we value and esteem.

I believe that family is vitally important.  Having parents that are not only around, but able to spend time together as a family unit regularly is so important to raising children that are well-adjusted, confident, and one day ready to run this country.  So I think it is time that we stand up and fight for what is important.

This is my battle right now.  I'm just praying I fight it the right way.  One thing I know is why I'm fighting it.

my little inspiration

why my child-less self just didn't get it

I, like most people, am an inherently selfish being.  I think about myself a lot all the stinking time.  What is inconveniencing me at the moment, what I want, what I need, etc etc.  I often worried as a younger me that I would be a crappy mom because I didn't really want to give up my selfishness, my freedom, my independence.  I suppose I thought that those things were the icing on the cake of life.

I am happy to say that my younger self was very wrong.

In the last seven months (well I suppose the last 18- I can't forget my pregnancy) I have learned that life is infinitely more beautiful when you are finally able to step outside of yourself and think more about the happiness of another than your own.  Now that is certainly not to say that it's easy, because it's not.  I'm not going to lie and pretend that every moment is a picnic, but really- it is amazing.

I was just talking to my oldest friend (who got pregnant and had her baby a month before me.  Fun, right?) and she was telling me how frustrating it was to hang out with some of her closest friends from high school because they just don't seem to get it.  They complain about the inconveniences in their lives- the late night study sessions, job frustrations, etc... but when she would join in and talk about how her son won't sleep well and how tired she is, they all basically said "Well this is what you signed up for!"  She felt like they just didn't get how hard, but how wonderful being a mom is.  They seemed to think that it should be "easy" if you just do things a certain way, and that she shouldn't need an outlet to vent as much as they do.  They had lots of advice for her though.

Your baby would be sleeping through the night if you'd let him cry it out at two months old.

Your baby would sleep through the night if you'd stop nursing him.

On and on and on.

Childless people always have all the answers.  I know I did.  Believe me, I really thought I did, so this is not a Bash-Childless-friends post.

Really what it boils down to is that I was all judgy-judgy before Eisley came along too.  That screaming baby in the store- bad parenting.  The mom who lets her young children watch tv- bad parenting.  The kids who still have food smeared all over their little mouths and faces- bad parenting.

What I realize now is that it's super easy to judge other people when you're able to sleep in every day, pee by yourself whenever you want, take showers every day, and hit up Target whenever the mood strikes.  See, you've got your life all figured out, oh single one.  You have no one to answer to but yourself, and so there isn't a whole lot about daily life and it's simple little tasks that seems overwhelming at this point.  At least, I'd hope you don't have a hard time finding a spare moment to pee by yourself if you're single... but that's another issue for another day.  The point is, you think "life is easy."

When a little person of your very own comes into your life, nothing comes as easily as it used to.  It's a big, huge, sometimes overwhelming adjustment.  You are willingly giving up your autonomy and bending constantly to the whims and needs of a tiny little person who can't tell you what they need, can't sleep through the night, can't wipe their own behinds, and can't even hold their own head up at first.

Whoa there, responsibility.

So maybe sometimes we mommas may complain about sleep deprivation, blow-outs, and saggy-baggy post-baby bodies- we are only human after all.  But ultimately, we wouldn't give it up or trade it for anything.  So when you (all my childless friends and readers out there) hear one of us talk about the less than perfectly lovely parts of motherhood, what I really want you to know is that even those little things  we look back on fondly when they are gone.

Nursing a newborn quietly to sleep in the middle of the night while your husband sleeps next to you.  It's a quite, exhausting, beautiful time that lasts only a short little while.  I know I am not the only mom who misses those sweet moments when they've passed.

Fighting the urge to nap yourself because you just can't stop smelling your sweet baby's hair as they sleep on your chest.

That horrifyingly hilarious moment when your baby poops explosively all over you.  Yes, you will look back on that as a funny memory, not a horrifying one.  It seems crazy, but it's true.

I look back on these moments and I see a couple of things.  I see my daughter growing, and I remember our bonding times.  I also see myself growing.  Growing as a mom, a woman, a wife, and a better human being.  You see, I realize now that life is just not quite so beautiful when it's all about yourself.  It's too easy to become bitter, angry, and disenchanted with life.  It's too easy to think that you have somehow got it all figured out.

Having Eisley has helped me realize that I don't have it all figured out, and that I really never will.  I also look at other moms now and smile as their child throws a tantrum in the grocery store.  Maybe their baby is sick, just had their vaccinations, or is a little on the gassy side.  Maybe that mom just desperately needs some food to feed herself and her babe, so there just isn't a way that she can walk out of the store grocery-less.

It has been a constant and ever-evolving death to self.  I have to put Eisleys's needs largely over my own.  Sometimes, in a moment of weakness I complain about the sleepless nights, fussy days, and lack of alone time.  Sometimes I grumble about all of it.  The thing is, once the words have left my mouth, I realize how lucky I am, and how good I have it.  How blessed I am.

I certainly don't have all the answers and I have plenty of weak moments, but I love being a mom.  It's different than anything else in life.  It's messy, beautiful, hilarious, sometimes tragic, and heart-expanding.  So when one of your friends complains about some aspect of motherhood, take it with a grain of salt.  I guarantee that if push came to shove, they would choose it again over anything.

I know I would.

On Long Car Rides With Babies

I have been kind of MIA lately!  Life has just been a little on the crazy side (in a good way fortunately!) with visiting family in Chicago, working, writing up reviews for This Flourishing Life (ps- if you haven't checked out Erica's blog, you should!  She has some of the yummiest gluten free recipes on the web), parenting, and trying to keep my disaster of a house from collapsing under the weight of the mess.

Ok, so I'm failing at that last one, but hey, no one can have it all.

This past week we ventured back up to Chi-town to visit our families and give them all some Eisley time.  I was a little worried terrified that E would scream her pretty little head off the entirety of our 8 hour car ride, but she did so well!  I suppose it helped that we got on the road around 3:30 am so that she would sleep three or four hours for the first part of our trip, but even after that there was barely any fussing!  Thank the Good Lord.  Seriously.

Here is what I learned about traveling with an infant.

1.  There is no such thing as packing light when you are traveling with a baby.  Pack 'n Plays, toys, food, blankets, clothes, baby carriers, et.  So much for loading our car at our traditional Ikea trip.  No room!  boo!

2.  Bring a lot of toys that your baby has never played with.  It is a lifesaver when they start to get a little fussy.  We got one of these and waited to put it on her car seat until the morning we left.  It was a big hit, and kept Eisley busy for quite a while.  yay!

3.  Be willing to stop.  A lot.  Diapers will still need to be changed, babies will still need to be fed, and little legs will need to be stretched.  Nick and I were all about just pushing it and getting to Chicago quickly before Eisley cam along.  We'd stop to pee, or get some lunch, but that was it.  We had to stop a lot more often with Eisley to keep her happy, and it was fine!  Not a big deal at all.

4.  Cloth diapering on vacation really wasn't hard for us at all!  Granted, we weren't staying at a hotel, and my mother in law was fine with us washing E's dipes at her house, but it was easy peasy!  I was grateful that we have quite a few travel-sized wet-bags, but otherwise we didn't really need to do anything all that differently.

5.  Bring your noise machine.  I don't think Eisley would have napped at all without that thing.  My parent's house is like a petting zoo (my mom rescues injured and abused animals, so there are always foster animals around.  Check it out Dire Straits Animal Rescue) and my in-laws also have a dog.  Not only that, but you just can't expect everyone to tip-toe around like you do in your own house every time you put the baby down for a nap.

6.  If your baby is able to safely munch on snacks on their own, I would highly recommend Baby Mum Mum snacks or something similar.  Eisley was a total mess every time we gave her one of these, but she loved the fact that she was feeding herself, and it kept her totally entertained.

7.  Take lots of photos.  Of course.  Someday I will upload them and brag about all the fun we had.  =)

I think driving 8 hours with E was a little stressful for my hubby, but I didn't think it was all that bad.  It's certainly not what I would cal relaxing, but it also just wasn't as bad as I thought it could be.

Thank goodness.

The Things I've Learned- SIX MONTH Edition (Yikes!)

Well, Eisley is 6 months now!  Holy moly!  I just don't even know what to say about that.  I am sort of in denial about the fact that she is halfway to one.  She is changing so so much so quickly.  She's rolling like a pro, she's never in the same spot in her crib as she was when I put her down.  Half of the time she's not even facing the same direction.  She has a tooth poking out of her little gums.  The whole top part is out now, and I think I see another one starting to come up!  She is able to sit up on her own leaning forward on her hands (although today she sat up without propping herself up!  It was amazing!).  She has been trying to make kissing noises.  She does it every time I give her a smooch, and it's ridiculously adorable.

Her eyes are still blue, and she smiles all the time.  She has gone from being a fussy baby to a silly happy baby, and I love it.  She has such a big personality for such a little baby.  And I am still learning so much!  So here we go!

1.  Every new milestone is amazing, but bittersweet.  It's so incredible to watch your baby grow and change and learn new things, but it's a little sad knowing that every day brings them a little closer to the point where they don't need you.  To their baby fat going away.  To talking back instead of snuggling.

2.  It's really important to focus on the moment, but it's also very difficult.  Remind yourself over and over again if you have to that you'll only get this day one time, and you have to catalogue it in your heart and head.

3.  Baby sleep goes in stages, but it doesn't always move forward.  Don't get too used to 6 or 7 hour stretches.  Your baby will start teething, and you'll be back to waking up every few hours.  Somehow it will be harder than it was the last time your baby woke up that much.

4.  You probably haven't bought yourself cute clothes since you got pregnant because you probably just aren't really satisfied with your post-baby-body.  So you'll buy tons of clothes for your child.  And there are soooooooo many cute little girl outfits out there.  I want to buy them all, and you probably will too.

5.  Taking walks on a cooler day is so much fun.  How am I only learning this now, you may wonder? Well I don't know how it has been where you are, but it has been the hottest summer ever around here! I can't wait for fall, we will take so many walks.

6.  Eisley loves solid foods.  So much.  If we don't get the food spooned into her mouth fast enough, she grunts and yells, and lets us know that she wants more, and she wants it now!

7.  Baby poop takes on a life of it's own when you start them on solid foods.

9.  Bath time is just as much fun as a parent as it is for your baby.  There's nothing sweeter than watching them splash around and have a great time.

10.  It hasn't even been a year that this sweet baby has been here, but you will start to forget what life was like before your baby came into this world.  It will seem like they were always there, and they were always meant to be.

So, not too many hilarious revelations this month, but I am feeling sentimental.  It has been an amazing six months, and I am just so blessed.  I love my daughter and I love being a mom.  I am learning so much about who I am, and who I am supposed to be, as well as who my daughter is.  I can't wait to see what this next month will bring.

The Birthday Tooth

Tomorrow is Eisley's half birthday, and as an adorable yet painful present, it appears that she will be getting a tooth.  Her very first one!  I knew that sucker was going to make an appearance soon!

I have mixed emotions about this six-month-milestone.  I'm excited because, well, it's cute.  I mean, who doesn't love a sweet baby with one lone tooth sticking out?  At the same time, I am feeling a more than a little sad.  I love E's gummy smile, and I am really going to miss it.

It's the beginning of the end.  Babyhood can't last forever, this we all know, but I just wasn't prepared for how fast time goes.  I swear I was just in labor (for five days.  You know I can't let you forget that part.  wink) and meeting my pretty princess.  Six months, and a tooth.

Oh my.

Tomorrow when I take her 6 month photos, I have to make sure I get a great one of her naked gums, because it will be the last time they will ever be that way.  Unless she has awful oral hygiene and loses all her teeth as an old lady.  But I digress.  My baby is growing up.  Yes, she is still a baby, she still needs me for everything, she still poops in her pants and can't quite sit up on her own yet, but all of that will be gone before I know it.

I'm trying to really savor each day with my growing girl.  I'm trying to make a mental catalog of all the sweet moments, silly faces, and baby snuggles because I know that I am going to look back and MISS this.  

So for the next three minutes I will enjoy my 5 month old.  Then the clock will strike midnight, and she will be half-way to her first birthday.  Time goes so fast.  

©Copper Siegel.  All rights reserved.

I Think My Boobs Are Staging a Rebellion

Yep.  You read the title of this post correctly.  I'm pretty sure my boobs are, in fact, staging a rebellion.  A coup.  A protest.  Whatever you want to call it, the girls have stepped out of line, and decided to go wild.

Eisley has always been an exclusively breast-fed baby.  That's the way we both like it.  It's good for her little baby immune system, it's good for our bonding and relationship, and it's good for my bank account because it is free.  I went back to work part time at 3 months and the girls were still happily plugging away, making milk like it was going out of style (consequently, that expression has never made much sense to me, but I'm going to use it anyway, darn it!).  After about a month or so of working and pumping most of the day two days a week, my supply slowly started to deplete.

Uh-Oh.

Now here we are, one week away from Eisley's 6 month birthday (whhaaaat!?  Already?  Holy Crap) and I just pumped like 2 ounces.  Total.  As in out of both breasts.  Now granted, I did just feed E, so I wasn't expecting to fill a milk jug or anything, but 2 oz?  Oh no they didn't!  We started Eisley on solid foods about two weeks ago, largely because she was ready, but also because I was worried that she needed a few extra calories.  The thing is, that food is just supposed to be supplemental at this age.  Eisley still needs a whole lot of milk to keep her chunky little body growing strong and healthy, and I'm just not ready to start running dry.  My plan has always been to breast feed Eisley until at least one year.  Now obviously that doesn't mean just breast milk for a year, but I think that if you're able to do it, breast feeding for at least a year gives your kid a huge boost to their immune system.

So get with the program, boobs!  You are here for a reason, and it's not just to be so big that I can't find cute dresses that don't let you roam free.

I've been filling up on tons and tons of water, taking some supplemental herbs, trying to pump after E eats... it's a battle right now.  I'm not sure I'm winning.  The next thing I'm going to try is to just offer Eisley snack time a whole bunch for a few days to see if that helps my body kick it into gear, but I'm feeling a little frustrated.  I never thought that I'd look in my freezer and panic about the dwindling milk supply in there, but that's where I'm at.

Any of you mamas out there deal with this?  Any tips or tricks to boost supply?  I figure, it was just world breast-feeding week, so it's an appropriate time to talk about boobs.  I'm also going to add this post to the list of things I didn't think I would discuss in public before having a baby.  And I'm going to laugh at my naive pre-baby self.

The Things I've Learned- Five Month Edition

My baby girl is growing up so fast! Holy cow, has it really been 5 months already? Eisley has just gotten more and more hilarious and full of personality this month.

 Her new favorite pastime is to constantly do what seems to be a mix between blowing a raspberry and making a fart noise with her mouth. Sometimes she will do this for 15 minutes at a time, or I will wake up to hear her entertaining herself with this lovely little trick over the baby monitor while she is still in her crib. The kid cracks me up. She is just such a beautiful little girl, who I very affectionately and without even a hint of irony love to call my "Pretty Princess."  She still has gorgeous blue eyes, and I'm just waiting to see if they are going to stay that color. It looks like she will have some teeth soon, and sometimes the teething monster likes to come out and play, but she's been doing a lot better with it, poor little bean! She also loves to grab anything and everything in her path. She pulled my plate full of food off of the table the other week. Luckily it was a paper plate. yeesh!

 She just grows and changes so much. It's amazing to me, it really is. I just love learning all about life with her, and my husband and I just can't get enough of her silliness. Of course, now that I've been a mom for five months, I've got it all figured out, so this will be a short list of things I've learned this month.

 Kidding.

 Obviously.

 I have so much to learn still, but here are a few of the things I've learned this month.

 1. Remember when you thought you were going to be able to effortlessly lose all of your pregnancy weight and flab and extra skin back when you first got pregnant?
 Yeah, I'll pretend like I don't remember my delusions too. We can pretend we never said that to ourselves together.

 2. Enjoy being period-less while you can. One day it will sneak back into your life like a red thief in the night, and you will be sad. *sigh*

 3. Remember before you had kids, and before 10,000 people and their moms saw you naked and giving birth, and you were embarrassed to talk about things like your period?

 4. Babies are strong. It's going to hurt a lot worse than you think it will when they grab hold of your hair and give it a good tug.

 5. Eventually your baby won't poop five million times a day like they did when they were a newborn. You will be both overjoyed and worried. You will probably think to yourself at least a few times, "does my baby poop enough!?" Yes. This is what your life has come to.

 6. Even if you were, in your previously child-less life, a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants type person, you will now be a big fan of The Schedule.  You will realize that a happy baby is a baby who has napped at least twice.  And a baby who naps at least twice without fighting you tooth and nail, is a baby who is on some sort of a schedule.

7.  Time goes too fast.  Blink and another month has somehow come and gone.

8.  100 degree temperatures suck.  Especially when it stays that hot for weeks on end.  If you're like me, you probably won't even leave your house some days, for fear of baby heat stroke.  OR just general fussiness.

9.  Teething is your enemy.  It needs to be fought with all you have, and banished with things like baby tylenol, teething tablets, and amber teething necklaces.  It has the evil super-power of being able to turn your sweet angelic baby into a raging monster.  It must be stopped.

10.  There is nothing more gratifying than when a baby thinks you're funny.  When they giggle at your stupid faces it is just the best thing.

I just can't believe how much more I love her every day.  I also can't believe how steep the learning curve can be at every step of the way.  I feel like I have learned more about love, myself, and life in 5 months than I learned in the past few years!

I'm Putting This Food Baby Up For Adoption

Confession-  Last week my three year old niece asked if there was a baby in my tummy.  *hits head against a wall* I said "No, but Eisley was in there just a few months ago, and it takes a while for your tummy to go back to normal."  And then I told myself it was time to join a gym.

Ok, so I've struggled with my weight for pretty much as long as I can remember.  Not that I was fat though.  That happened within the last six or seven years.  I am a terrible stress/emotional eater.  Just ask my husband.  When E won't stop crying and I feel like I just can't take anymore, I shoot him a text that says "If you don't bring home a butterfinger blizzard for me when you get off work, I am going to kill myself."  No kidding, I really did text that this week.

I'm not overly dramatic or anything.

Seriously though, we had some really stressful situations in the first few years of our marriage, and actually for a couple of years even before that, and I think that I gained like 10 pounds a year for a few years there.  My husband just commented on an older photo of me on facebook last week, and it wasn't even that old, and all I could think about was 'Good God, I've gotten fat!'  Now, don't misread this post and think that this is me looking for a pity party, or some shallow attempt to garner compliments.  Ok, so what girl doesn't like compliments, but I swear that isn't it.

I've just been thinking about the kinds of things I want to teach my daughter.  The kind of things I want her to learn from me.  The lessons you teach them without even knowing it.  I'm talking about the things that they pick up by watching you, mimicking you, soaking in every word and action and deed that you do (and all the ones you wish you didn't.)

I don't want to teach my daughter to be a lazy, emotional-eating, never-exercising human being.  I don't want her to struggle with her body image, her weight, and I don't want her to have health issues.  I want her to grow up loving herself, her body, and I want her to make sure that her health is a priority.

But here's the kicker.  If I want E to grow up with all those good lessons imprinted on her little-girl heart, I'm going to have to change first.  *Cue dramatic music*

I'm not good at changing.  It usually involves a significant amount of kicking and screaming on my part.  Yup.  My daughter isn't the only pro at throwing tantrums around here.  She learned from the best.

I lost 30 pounds in four months before I got pregnant.  I know I can do it, even though it really isn't easy.  E was my motivation then just like she is now.  The thing is, and I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just calling it like it is, it was a lot easier to lose weight without a needy four month old in tow.  So this is going to require a radical life change.  No more sugar bingeing when I'm feeling stressed, no more crazy high-calorie snacks just because they are easy to grab.  I need to clean out the fridge and the pantry and just go for it.  No more refined sugars, waaaay less carbs.  Oh Lord, those are the things I love the most.

oi.

Have any of you ever tried the Paleo Diet?  That's what I'm thinking about trying.  You cut out almost all grains, refined sugars, and processed foods.  I guess it's basically that you "eat like a caveman."  Hence the name, Paleo Diet.  As in Paleolithic.  I'm interested.  I need to do a ton more research, but it seems like a good thing to try, I mean my body certainly doesn't need all of those refined sugars that I put in it.  So I may start posting some research and experiences on here.  I don't know how well I'll make the transition, or even if I'll really be able to do it completely, but it's worth a try.  I want to make a positive change for me,  but also for my daughter.  She doesn't deserve to deal with my issues because I couldn't.

Positive thoughts, because this is going to be a hard road.  Worth it, but hard.  Here we go!

A Tale of Two Mommies

the most demanding boss I've ever had!  ;)

Ugh.  I am having a bi-polar day.  I know a bunch of you are going to know what I'm talking about here.

I've always wanted to be able to be a stay at home mom.  I know there's something else out there that I am going to be super passionate about doing, but I just haven't found it yet.  I've tried a few things, and nothing has stuck.  Until E was born.  So needless to say, my crazy-hours retail job is not exactly a "career" that would make me want to miss the milestones in my daughter's life.  I mean, I deal with a fussy four month old all day at home.  I'll take that over a fussy customer any day.

Well almost any day.

Some days I just want to scream right along with my little tot.  Because some days, between the teething, fussing, nap-rebellions, and pulled hair (mine, not hers.  She's figured out she can grab it.  Oh happy day!), I just need a break.  It's days like that today that going to work starts to sound pretty darn good.  At least at work no one is going to spit up or poop on me.  Well, it hasn't happened yet, anyway.  I suppose there's always tomorrow.

The thing is, that while I'm at work, all I can think about is wanting to be at home.  I hate leaving my daughter, even for a short four hour shift.  It's awful.  I feel guilty, and sad that I'm missing what could potentially be that four hour span of time in which my daughter rolls all the way over for the first time.  It's one of those darned if you do darned if you don't type situations.

I know how whiny I sound right now, but it is what it is.  I really do wish that I could be a stay at home mom.  It's the only job I am passionate about right now.  It's incredibly difficult, and sometimes I want to throw a tantrum right along with E, but ultimately it's what I want to do.  The pay is better than anything I've come across.  I get paid in smiles, giggles, sqeals, and coos.  It's worth all of the frustration.

Sometimes I just wish there was such a thing as a mommy lunch break.

Starting Cloth Diapering on the Cheap

So I have a bunch of friends who are pregnant or have babies and are thinking about or have expressed some interest in cloth diapering.  I know I've posted stuff before on here for how to snag free or cheap diapers to get yourself started out with minimal out of pocket cost, but a I've got some more tips for you!  The great thing about cloth diapering is that there is a growing community out there of other moms and dads that are passionate about helping each other save some money and get cute fluff for free or cheap.

Swagbucks is still a great option for getting free diapers with all of those Amazon.com giftcards you're going to get for searching and doing surveys.  If you missed my how-to post, go here.  I've made about $200 to date on Swagbucks, and I've bought bunches of diapers for free that way.  Yup.  Free.  F.R.E.E.  woot!

Ok, now that I'm done doing my own little happy dance about that number over here, on to some more tips.  Deal networks.  I know you've heard of sites like Zulily, where they have at least one or more great baby deals a day.  You get stuff for usually 50% off or more, but it does require some stalking.  Well worth it.  For instance, starting tomorrow on Zulily, you can pick up some Rearz cloth diapers for a great deal.  Other baby sites have great cloth diaper deals on a regular basis, and those are the ones you want to make sure you check out every day, and sign up for their email alerts.  It's totally worth the extra couple of emails in your inbox every day.  The first one is BabySteals, who actually has Itti Bitti cloth diapers on their site for 40% off right now, as I write!  BabySteals has cloth diapers all the time.  I bought a couple of Bitti Tuttos from BabySteals the other day for about $10 off per diaper.  And they ship right away unlike a lot of these baby deal networks.  Another great site is eco baby buys.  They have diaper deals all the time, and you can save a bundle there too.  The key with these sites is to check them every day while you are building your stash.  Deals often sell out quickly, and if you want a certain color or size, you have to act fast.

Giveaways!  Ok, so I am a giveaway addict.  I started with just a few, and didn't win anything for a while, but once the winning started, I was hooked.  I've won tons of stuff in just three or four months.  I should have kept better track, but I've won about a dozen diapers, a baltic amber teething bracelet and necklace set for Eisley, a onesie, some flats and prefolds, nursing pads, a couple of Diva Cups, some cloth wipes, a wetbag, some bottom spray, a wool diaper cover, baby leg warmers, and some cj's butter samples.  Wow, looking at that, I need to go buy a lottery ticket.  I'm on a little bit of a roll here!  My point is, I never won anything until Eisley was born.  Now they key is that I enter a LOT of giveaways.  For every one I win, I lose probably 20... but I've added a lot of great diapers to my stash this way.

A lot of diaper blogs off giveaways all the time.  Start "liking" some blogs, and join in on some cloth diaper forums on facebook.  My favorite place to talk about all things diaper and mommy related is the Change Diapers Blog facebook page.  Maria, the woman behind this awesome blog and page, is super knowledgeable, and every Friday she puts together a cloth diaper related giveaway roundup.  I love how easy she makes it to enter a bunch of giveaways.  She does a ton of work so that you don't have to go searching all over the web.  Most of the giveaways I've won have been straight off of Maria's roundup.  So go start entering.  Enter a lot, and enter often.  It's totally worth the time you put into it when you start racking up the wins.  My husband can't believe how often I win these giveaways, and my good friend thinks it's ridiculous when we chat cloth and she finds out that I've won something else.

I just think it's ridiculously awesome.

Ok.  So the babe is going to wake up any minute now, and I need to take a moment for myself here, so this is where I leave you for today.  Now start creating your plan of attack, and go get some free, or super cheap, fluff.

Happy deal-hunting!

More tips when they come to me.  =)

Happy 4th of July!

Happy Fourth of July from E, Me, and the hubby!  

Living With a Sense of Wonder

Ever since having Eisley, I just love love LOVE holidays.  I enjoyed them when I was single, and then a little more once Nick and I got married, but there is just something about holidays with a baby.  Suddenly they are magical again, you know what I'm talking about I'm sure.  It's the way you felt when you were a little kid.  Christmas, Easter, the Fourth... they were days that you did something out of the ordinary, celebrated, and created traditions with your family that would last for the rest of your life.

So she may be a little young to do fireworks this year (and that's ok because with the drought we're having, I'm pretty sure everywhere around here is under a burn ban, which means no fireworks.  Bummer!) but we've had fun dipping her toes in her very own little baby pool, cooking out, and spending time with her aunts, uncle, and grandparents.  Just knowing that this is her first Easter and first Fourth of July and so on just makes it so precious.

I just love how this little girl is bringing magic back into our lives.  It's too easy as an adult to take things for granted and feel like every day is just another tick mark on the calendar.  It makes me want to be really purposeful about making her "firsts" super special.  I need to sit down with Nick and figure out what family traditions we want to start for our daughter and our future kids.  I want everything to hold a sense of wonder for our littles, because wonder is one of the most important parts of childhood.

I remember when I was a kid, my parents did such a great job at making holidays special.  We'd come home from church on Easter sunday, and there would be five of the most beautifully done Easter baskets that you'd ever see.  Somehow my mom would quickly set it all up as my dad corralled us all into the van before we would head out to church.  When we would get home I just remember being so excited that the Easter bunny had left us such great stuff.  Every Christmas they got us an ornament that had to do with something we'd done or loved that year, and we would open them up on Christmas Eve and put them on the tree.  When I moved out I had a box full of memories to put up on my own tree.

I'm just really enjoying the fresh eyes that having a baby has given me.  Now don't get me wrong, those fresh eyes also open you up to a world of scary stuff that you have to protect your little ones from- but it's the magic and wonder and beauty that you need to focus on.  We have such an amazing opportunity as moms to shape the world into something better.  We can start by creating a world full of beauty, wonder and traditions for our babies.  We all face the harsh realities of life eventually, but let's try to make sure that we hold that off as long as possible for our kids.

A Letter to My Daughter

A letter to my pretty princess, who I love so much more than I even thought was possible.

Right now, you are an adorable four months old little baby.  You laugh and smile and light up my heart.  You had a couple of weeks there where you weren't sleeping (it was brutal, but you are worth every sleepless night) but now you seem to be back on track.  Looking at you napping in the swing is making me think.  About how precious you are, how sweet, and silly, and full of personality, and how innocent you are right now.  And it's got me thinking about what I hope for you as you grow, first into a sweet little toddler, a child, tween, and teenager.  It's a sobering thing to think about, because it is such an awesome responsibility.  And I do mean awesome as in awe-inspiring.  As in, God  has entrusted your little heart to your daddy and I, and I can't think of anything more wonderful and scary.

You are such a unique little girl.  You already know what you like and what you don't, and you know how to tell us.  You are so full of personality that it floors me.  Your smiles take up your whole face, and they can instantly banish my tired and crabby moods.  Oh, and crabby.  You can be pretty crabby.  But it's still so cute that it's hard not to laugh sometimes.  You are so interested in everything that goes on around you right now, to the point that I'd worry you aren't getting enough to eat if you weren't 15 pounds and a chunky little monkey.  You have to see everything.  I can't believe how much you are growing and changing every week.  How different you look compared to photos from just two months ago.  I think you are ready to roll over, but you haven't yet because it would require you to ignore what is happening around you long enough to do it.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you sat up on your own around the same time that you first really roll over all the way onto your tummy.

You are the love of our lives.  Your daddy and I just can't get enough of you.  And we will try our best to always do right by you.  I promise that we will do our best to make sure you feel loved every minute of every day.  That you never, EVER doubt that your parents love you unconditionally.  We will help you become a confident little girl who knows that her parents support her in everything, and that you can do anything that you set your mind to.  I promise that we will protect you and teach you what is right.  To love God, to hear His voice.  I promise that no matter what comes our way, you will always be our little girl, and we will nurture you.  We will nurture your creativity, intelligence, curiosity, love, joy, and hope.  I want you to grow up to be a young woman who isn't swayed by the mindless fads and unhealthy trends of your age.  I want you to know who you are and stand firm in it.

I want you to know that I am not perfect.  Far from it.  And sometimes I am going to screw up, maybe big time.  I may hurt your little heart with careless words or inattentiveness on occasions.  And for those future offenses, I want to apologize in advance and tell you that being a mom is hard, and that is probably what I will be struggling with when I screw up.  It won't be you.  It won't be your fault.  Sweet girl, you are so loved, and even when you mess up or are super naughty (you are your father's daughter, after all!) we will try to be patient and keep our cool.

My cute little chunky monkey, I want you to grow up and know that you are beautiful, smart, hilarious, full of light and goodness, and capable of so much greatness.  But for now my wish for you is that you be healthy, curious, innocent for as long as possible, unaware of the cares of this world, and I want you to be able to be a kid.  Just a sweet silly kid.  I want you to look back at your childhood and see how loved you are every step of the way, feel supported, and have as few regrets as possible.  I want you to be happy.  I want what every mother wants for her baby.

I love you so much.  You are such a beautiful blessing, and I thank God for you every day.  I see His goodness in you, and I am blown away.  You are so precious.  I hope you know that, even now, at four months old.

xo,

your loving mommy

Hi, my name is Copper, and I am a cloth diaper addict...

Seriously, are there any support groups for this disease obsession yet?  Because there should be.  Good Lord, what has happened to me?  Who in the world ever would have thought that something like cloth diapers would end up being like crack to me?  I just can't say no to a cute, fluffy, colorful cloth diaper, especially when they are on sale!  I swear I have taken it upon myself to try every cloth diaper available on the market today.

My latest buy?  Three itti bitti tuttos.  Not one, but three.  Yup.  You read that correctly.  Now, do I really need these diapers?  Nope.  Is my baby just going to waste away without these adorable minky things?  Nope.  Should I be spending money on more diapers?  Not even close.  And yet here I am, snatching them up because they are super on sale, and because I've been dying to try them.

I used to buy clothes and stuff for myself like this.  It is a sickness, I'm telling you.  But now, when my stomach is still flabby and I'm in between sizes, where's the fun in buying clothes for myself?  And baby clothes, while I still buy waaaaaay to many adorable outfits for E, only fit for so long and then you have to pack them away to be worn by another baby someday.  It's sad!  So I buy diapers.  She'll wear them for a couple of years, and then baby #2, 3, 4, 5, 6 (ok, there's no way I'm having 6 babies, but you get the picture here) can also wear the cuteness.

Oh who am I kidding?  Baby #2 is going to come along, and I will say "Oh he/she needs some new fluffy diapers of their own!"  Pretty soon I won't have room to store anything in Eisley's room but diapers.

Ok, so maybe I am exaggerating here, but not by too much.

Why are cloth diapers so stinkin easy to get hooked on?  My baby poops and pees in them.  It's not like the cute factor suddenly makes her poop smell like roses or anything.  But I guess it does make a task that every mom does so many times a day for so many years a little more fun, and a little bit less of a chore.  I guess that really is what it boils down to.  And as a photographer and artist, and just general lover of beauty, why not make that part of my day a little more aesthetically pleasing?

Plus, there is just nothing cuter than my smiling daughter in a bright, cheery, adorably fluffy diaper.

So, all you other cloth addicts feel free to go around the room and introduce yourself.  The first meeting of cloth diaper addicts anonymous is in session.  I won't judge.  My name is Copper, and I am a cloth diaper addict.